Jay didn't like what I made for dinner the other night. He asked for a "samich". I said he could have a peanut butter sandwich if he made it all by himself. So he did!
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Jay Can Make a PBJ
Jay didn't like what I made for dinner the other night. He asked for a "samich". I said he could have a peanut butter sandwich if he made it all by himself. So he did!
Monday, May 14, 2012
Baby #4 is in the arms of God
Friday, May 4, 2012
Baby #4 is in Mommy's belly!!!!!!!!!
Saturday, May 5, 2012
We got some pictures of everyone at Hilton Head.It was great fun telling the Cronin family that we were pregnant! Getting excited about having a baby next January. Talking about how we probably won't be traveling this Christmas. Looking forward to next weekend when the Culpepper family would come visit for Ben's birthday party and we would be able to tell them the same way.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Monday, May 7, 2012
I wrote this journal entry:
I truly want to love Baby #4. But I'm too afraid to commit. Last time I committed with my whole heart and when Baby #3 died my heart crumbled. Can I handle that again? YES! Of course I can, because I know what it is to be pregnant and I know what it is to miscarry and I know what it is to have life with my child and I know what it is to have life without my child- I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation; whether listening to my child sing scripture or digging a grave for my lost baby...I can't finish that statement the way Paul does. I want to so badly. And that makes my body shake with weeping.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
I got out of bed and discovered that I had miscarried. The tears poured. I called Shamus. So many questions. Are you sure? Were we pregnant? How do you know? Did you call the doctor?We went to the doctor that afternoon. "Yes, this was another miscarriage." said the doctor.
That night I began putting my heart on paper. So much fear. I wanted to love the baby but now it was too late. Already gone. Gone. But I am still that child's mother. I will always be that child's mother. It's part of my identity. Shamus's wife. Jay's mother. Ben's mother. Baby #3's mother. Baby #4's mother. Each new relationship redefines my identity. Who am I becoming? Do I get to choose?
"It's okay, mommy. Now Baby Number 5 can come live with us," says Jay.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Mother's Day
I cried this morning. Before church.Peter preached on Philippians 4:4-7
Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
These verses are just before Paul says this:
Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
(Philippians 4:11-13 ESV)
That's the secret I wanted to say I knew last week. And I couldn't.
We sang.
"I'll set my gaze on God alone,
and trust in Him completely,
with everyday pour out my soul,
and He will prove His mercy"
I cried more. With Shamus.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Ari's Visit
Ariadna came Friday to spend the night! We went to Refresh at church on Friday where we got to worship with other women and to be encouraged by a beautiful testimony of how God pursues Christ-followers with his steadfast love. We were inspired and ended up spending a lot of time discussing how to share the gospel.
On Saturday we woke up to pancakes made by Shamus and Jay, full of sprinkles and chocolate chips! We played with the boys and then did some gardening together. It was such a joy to work in the gardens with Ariadna. She helped so much!
English is her second language (and French is her third!) and she had never learned the words ”rake” or ”mulch”.
Shamus: ”We need to rake the mulch today.”
(which sounded like ”we need to something the something today”)
Ari: ”What is mulch?”
Karen: ”It's on the bed.”
Ari: :?
Karen: ”the flower bed!”
Ari: ”And rake?”
Karen: ”it's like a shovel but it does this: *raking fingers through carpet*”
Ari: ”that sounds so funny-rake the mulch! I'm glad it's not upstairs on your bed!”
Turns out the word for rake in Spanish is rastrillo, which also means razor. All I could picture was a wife trying to rake her husband's shaving cream off his face. Also funny.
After gardening, I put Ben in his new big boy bed. Teaching him to stay in the bed took a long time. So long that I fell asleep doing it! Ariadna and I got to visit a little more and we actually remembered to take pictures!
I'm so blessed to have Ariadna as a friends and sister in Christ. Jay thinks we should go visit her in Alabama. I agree.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Baby #3 was not born
On Thursday, December 4, 2008, I woke up at 5 am to call the hospital to see if there was a room available. 11 hours later, I was holding our firstborn, Jay. That night, I drank a Double Chocolate Fudge milkshake from Steak 'n Shake.
On Monday, May 3, 2010 I had an OB appointment to check on Baby Ben, who was late like Jay. The doctor told me Thursday, May 6 I would be induced. But then she switched days with another doctor so we changed it to Friday. On May 7, 2010, I woke up at 5 am and called the hospital to see if there was a room available. 6 hours later, I was holding our second child, Ben. That night, I drank a Double Chocolate Fudge milkshake from Steak 'n Shake.
On Thursday, March 1, 2012, I woke up at 6 am. I went back to sleep because I didn't want to remember that I didn't have to call the hospital that morning. That it didn't matter if there were a room available. That no matter how many hours went by, I wouldn't hold Baby #3.
I woke up at 8. I went to the park with Jay and Ben. I talked and laughed with my friends. We ate lunch together. We talked about how we can be godly mothers. We watched our kids run and climb and throw dirt. I bought the kids fancy lollipops and gummies shaped like hot dogs and hamburgers. I smiled. I took the van to the high class car wash where they even vacuum the space where the sliding door's wheel rolls. It always has cheerios in it. I sang Philippians 2:14-18 to a catchy tune while I waited for the van. I went on a date with my husband. I cried because we weren't at the hospital. We held hands in the car. I ate sushi and thought it was delicious. I held Ben and we laughed and laughed for no reason. I read books to Jay and he asked me questions about the pictures. I didn't drink a Double Chocolate Fudge milkshake from Steak 'n Shake. I cried.
On Thursday, December 4, 2008, God gave us Jay. On Friday, May 7, 2010, God gave us Ben. Two miracles. On Thursday, March 1, 2012, God gave me rest, fellowship, wisdom, laughter, entertainment, His Word, order, romance, and peace. What would you call those things?
When I cry about losing our precious daughter, I remember who God is. I remember that He is holding her along with the rest of His children. When I cry, I cry on God's shoulder. That is called Comfort. You might have had comfort before. But you can't have Comfort unless you have Christ. And I have Him. So I have everything.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Goodbye, child of ours
"Held" by Natalie Grant
"Two months is too little"
We were so exited to find out that we were pregnant with our 3rd child!! We had Jay, our 2 year old, tell our families that 'There's a baby in mommy's belly'. It is so much fun to share that news and watch everyone's faces light up with joy and surprise.
From the moment we found out, I was imagining life with this child. I thought it was a girl because my pregnancy was so different. I started thinking of girl names. Every time I put Ben, our youngest, in his crib, I told him that he was the baby for now and that I had the tiny baby in my belly. I imagined cradling our little girl and how light she would feel in my arms compared to Ben and Jay. Jay called our child "Baby #3" because that's what Shamus called her when he talked to Jay and prayed with him. Because that was one of her names, I don't think we can call any other child "Baby #3". If God gives us another child, it will be "Baby #4".
"They let him go
They had no sudden healing"
I went in for an ultrasound at 13 weeks to check on a small cyst. As "Mandy", the technician, started looking for the cyst, she passed over our child and I saw our baby lying on the bottom if my womb, and I knew in that moment that our baby had died. "Mandy" immediately noticed how still the child was and started checking for blood flow. This being my third pregnancy, I knew what to look for. My baby stayed white while my veins and arteries became red and blue. She checked for a heartbeat and looked at me with pain in her eyes and said, "Karen... I'm not getting a heartbeat." "I know." And the tears came. She still had to find the cyst and check that everything else was okay in terms of my health. I was so weakened by sadness but God gave me strength to stop crying and lay still so she could finish. After she found no problems, I called Shamus to tell him. He answered and only heard crying. I managed to say "It happened." I wasn't sure he knew what I meant, but it felt impossible to say the word "miscarriage". I kept crying and couldn't get control. I closed my eyes and breathed in and finally said "I had a miscarriage", and the sobbing continued. I managed to tell him I was at the doctor's office and to please come. He left work right then.
"Mandy" was still in the room with me and just said through tears, "I didn't expect this at all." I was still crying but God's Holy Spirit, who lives in me and every other believer, empowered me to say "Can I pray with you?" I prayed without crying and told God of His character, which honestly was not my initial thought in that moment.
Romans 8:26-27 says "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God." In my experience, the spirit intercedes through words as well.
2 Corinthians 12:9 says "But he (God) said to me (Paul), “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." I am not strong, but the Lord is and he graciously gives us His strength.
"To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling"
We prayed for Baby #3's health every time we prayed. Sitting down for a meal is hard because the prayer is now "Thank you, God, that you are holding Baby #3." At night when I pray with the kids before bed, I always thank God for each of our children, including Baby #3. I often cry while praying with Jay and he just says "Why mommy crying? Jesus holding Baby #3. Baby #3 all gone." He has defined "childlike faith" for me. Mark 10:15 says "I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it". The day we found out about the miscarriage, Shamus was explaining again to Jay what happened. He said "God decided to keep Baby #3. Jesus is holding Baby #3." Jay said "Oh." From that moment, that has been reality for Jay, no questions asked. If only I could read God's word and simply say "Oh." and believe all of it. God has worked a miracle in me over and over in the way He has given me faith to believed His words. There is so much that I still doubt, like His sovereignty, and it comes out in my sin of anger when things don't go as I had planned. God, however, has freed me of that sin in this situation. I have not felt any anger toward God or anyone else through this. On a normal day, I struggle with this sin every time something doesn't happen the way I want it to. Isn't God so good and faithful to prevent that sinful thought pattern that is so natural?!
"Who told us we'd be rescued What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares"
God never tells us that we'll live without trials. In fact, He tells us the opposite.
Acts 14:21-22 says of Paul and Barnabas "They preached the gospel in that city and won a large number of disciples. Then they returned to Lystra, Iconium and Antioch, strengthening the disciples and encouraging them to remain true to the faith. “We must go through many hardships to enter the kingdom of God,” they said."
What has changed is our perspective. We live knowing that Christ died for our sins, when we should have died. We live knowing that without His sacrifice, we could never get to God, never be heard by him, never be His children. We live knowing how weak we are compared to the almighty God and knowing of our desperate, constant need for him. What has changed is simply how we view nightmares. Outliving your child is certainly every parent's nightmare.
This nightmare happened suddenly with no definite symptoms. At the beginning of this pregnancy, I considered the possibility of a miscarriage because two of my friends had miscarried shortly before we found out we were pregnant. I was afraid that it would happen to me and that I would struggle with my faith. The night before my appointment, I weighed myself and noticed that I had lost a pound. It was the first trimester, though, and it's very common to lose weight because of the nausea that most women experience. I suddenly got worried that I had miscarried even though I knew this wasn't a symptom. I looked online to see if it was even possible to miscarry without symptoms and I quickly discovered that it is. I was in tears with worry and I asked Shamus to pray for me.
The next day I went to my appointment feeling nervous. Before I went in the room to get the ultrasound, I prayed that God would give me strength if I had lost the baby. I told him I couldn't handle it on my own and that He is my strong tower and shelter. The Holy Spirit was preparing me to focus on the truth in the midst of a trial.
"We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair"
Thankfully, God tells us why nightmares happen to His children. James 1:2-4 says "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." "Anything" refers to my faith, not my belongings.
Romans 8:28-29 says "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters" God's purpose is for me to become like His son - to be sanctified. This, like every trial and every test of my faith, is an opportunity to grow in Christ-likeness. I prayed that God would empower me to use this opportunity to see how I am not like Christ and how to become more like Him.
One thing I've begun to experience is giving God my burdens and taking Christ's yoke. Matthew 11:28-30 says "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light"
If I give God my burdens - wondering if I caused this miscarriage, trying to blame myself, worrying that it will happen again, the reminder of our mortality and that anyone in my family could die at any time - He will give me rest. If I take Christ's yoke, which is trusting God at all times, and learn from Him, I will find rest for my soul. I must learn from him, though; to be gentle and humble in heart. To recognize that I am not in control ever is to let go of my pride. Christ's yoke of always trusting God may seem heavy and difficult but if I let go of my sin of pride, it becomes easy.